Who are you really….

“A person isn’t who they are during the last conversation you had with them – they’re who they’ve been throughout your whole relationship.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

integrity

I had a friend many years ago who I cared for deeply. We spent a lot of time together and had lots of fun doing whatever came to mind. She brought out the kid in me and the joy of that relationship reminds me how good life can be.

I came home one day after having spent the day with her and I was not feeling well. The feeling was coming from some place deep within my soul and I couldn’t really put my finger on it. I started going over the activities of the day and all I could remember was all the fun and laughter. I decided to make a mental note of the feeling and to be mindful and aware the next time I felt it.

Shortly after I planned another day with this friend and sure enough, the feeling presented itself while we were out and about. I immediately recognized the feeling and decided to listen more intently to what was happening in my environment. I was shocked to realize the power of the words she had been speaking.

We always joked and made fun of one another but I started to notice that her jokes were very hurtful in a manipulative kind of way. What previously sounded like fun and jokes suddenly hit me in the face life a ton of bricks and I got that she was actually being rude and condescending. My soul had picked up on this long ago and it wasn’t until then I understood how she was not the person I thought she was.

In further interactions these moments became more frequently realized and the feelings grew stronger and stronger. One day I sat down to go over the past years of friendship and again, wow! She had always been this way with others and how is it I thought I was immune to her ways? I tried having the “talk” with her to explain how I was feeling but all to no avail. She would not take any responsibility for the poor treatment therefore, I ended the relationship.

This was a beginning to my learning to really listen to my thoughts and feelings. She had always been this person yet I chose to only see what I wanted to see. More importantly, I couldn’t see the truth because I didn’t have enough integrity, courage or love for myself to be honest about the relationship. I was thrilled to have the companionship of a good friend and chose to ignore the rest. A life lesson well learned….

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